I have had issues with depression as of late; post-op bullshit of course. Nothing out of the ordinary there. I realize a few things. 1) yes, I know I have a cast on my leg 2) yes I realize I am on crutches 3) yes I know I can only use one leg right now 4) yes I know I have limited access to my hands. I also realize that my composure is less than bubbly; but here's the deal world............ if you ask me repeatedly over and over again every five to ten minutes if I'm okay, chances are I will snap.
I am getting so damn sick and tired of people patronizing me. I've stopped going out to places because of it. I've stopped hanging out with my friends because of it. So I am basically stuck in my own little hell I like to call my house and hell I'm even patronized here too! I can't fucking get up without someone asking if they can help me with something. Guess what, not everything that I do requires hands on help.
So I mentioned earlier that I have been going through bouts of depression because of this stupid shit and yes it does affect how I act around people. One thing that truly annoys me is when people constantly say "I want you to be happy," You know what'll make me happy, assholes? STOP SAYING THAT FUCKING PHRASE EVERY TEN MINUTES TO ME and maybe I won't act like such a bitch. And another thing........... if I say I'm fine, leave it at that; don't push it and push it. Because I will push back and I will not be a nice person when I push back.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ready for my life to begin
I recently had a phone call with Jeremy. The more I talk with him, the more I realize that I'm ready (to an extent mind you) for my life to begin with him. I'm ready to move to Muncie and live with the man I love and finish my degree. I'm ready to take on his last name proudly and confidently. I'm ready to finally make something of myself. I'm ready to finally be completely happy. I'm happy now knowing that there's someone out there that loves me unconditionally, but I'll be even happier once I'm with him completely. I always said I'd never be one of those people that would fall in love the way I did. I never thought I'd be able to allow someone in on the level that he's in with me. It's all the more reason why I want to marry him and all the more reason why I want things to work out between my family and him. This all sounds crazy with me being 20 and nowhere near financially stable or emotionally ready for that matter, but I've never been more sure about something that has a major and permanent effect in my life. I've never been as in love with someone as I am with him. I'm ready to have my masters and be done with school. I'm ready to certify lifeguards and swim instructors and be an EMT. I'm ready to be an aquatics director and lesson coordinator. I'm ready to plan my wedding and walk down the aisle to the love of my life. I'm ready to plan for large getaways to Europe and Asia. I want to do it all. But the question is how can I accomplish all of this?
As cheesy as it may sound, positivity is a major key in this. Over the past few years I've been battling very mild depression. But in the last two months something's changed to where I have a new attitude on life and what I want to do. I know where I'm going in my life but now I've got more support from all ends ranging from family and friends now to Jeremy as well. Next thing I need to do is have a hardcore focus in my classes. Another thing I need to do is start saving money for my wedding and for paying my loans.
I know that this will be easy to accomplish but it's also going to be tough. It's funny how easily one's mind can be made up and how easy it is to accomplish goals. I have a newfound confidence in what I want to do and what I can accomplish.
As cheesy as it may sound, positivity is a major key in this. Over the past few years I've been battling very mild depression. But in the last two months something's changed to where I have a new attitude on life and what I want to do. I know where I'm going in my life but now I've got more support from all ends ranging from family and friends now to Jeremy as well. Next thing I need to do is have a hardcore focus in my classes. Another thing I need to do is start saving money for my wedding and for paying my loans.
I know that this will be easy to accomplish but it's also going to be tough. It's funny how easily one's mind can be made up and how easy it is to accomplish goals. I have a newfound confidence in what I want to do and what I can accomplish.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
It's funny.
It's funny how a person can make your whole night with just a simple little stupid joke. The guy I like and undoubtedly love can do that in a snap. I love it. Not only does this man make me laugh and forget that I'm sad, stressed or in pain, but he also makes me feel like I'm the only girl in his life (lover wise that is) and I love it. I never thought I'd feel so comfortable with someone. I never thought I'd actually fall in love with someone that I met on a dating site.
I love how I feel when I'm around him. I love how he makes me smile when I start getting too serious and how he makes me laugh when I'm sad. I always look forward to spending time with him. I always feel so safe when he hugs me and holds me. I feel like he's become my best friend in so many ways.
If this is what true love and happiness feels like, I don't want it to stop or end.
I love how I feel when I'm around him. I love how he makes me smile when I start getting too serious and how he makes me laugh when I'm sad. I always look forward to spending time with him. I always feel so safe when he hugs me and holds me. I feel like he's become my best friend in so many ways.
If this is what true love and happiness feels like, I don't want it to stop or end.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A short explaination of me pt. 2
As I said in my last post, there's more to this story. Some sad, some possibly funny if you know me and get my humor. There are so many factors that make me who I am, factors that shaped me, factors that changed my life forever. So now where to begin?
2001 was an interesting year and also the beginning of the rest of what I view as a crazy and fun-filled and (in some ways) a saddening life. I had just begun my fifth grade year at Harris and I was having fun with my friends. My dad had told me and my mom that we were being transferred to California for dad's work. I was excited, but I never knew that it would mean that I would leave my friends. While it was fun getting to be at the beach every day and go to the pool, I still missed my friends. My mom had gotten a call from my grandmother, her mother, saying that she had ovarian cancer. So me being the naive ten year old, I figured she'd get better in a snap. Which wasn't true. She had surgery and had found that she was in a stage four. So then began chemotherapy. July rolled around and I was finally home. It was great to be back home. I began my middle school year in a school system. It was tough get acclimated back into a school system after being home-schooled for so long. But it was short lived.
I moved back to California in the summer of 2003. My grandma wasn't really improving and so my parents and I had made arrangements to go to North Dakota to help out with my family when she got placed on hospice. My dad couldn't stay for long because of work. He flew back out to California about two weeks after we got to Fargo. Mom and I lived in Fargo at Fairfield Inn for about two months. I was again being home-schooled so I would do homework while my grandma would take naps. One of my uncles brought his RV trailer along so that I could have a place to study. My other uncle brought his family along from Minnesota. At the time his daughter was seven months old. My uncle's trailer not only served as a private classroom for me, but also a nursery where I would babysit my baby cousin. While it was great getting to live in Fargo, it was tough to watch my grandma slowly lose her battle. But it wasn't all sad; we had a lot of fun times as well. There would be times where we would all gather in the tiny apartment's living room and watch "Finding Nemo" and have a laugh. Other times we would play card games. At the end of the day, my mom and I would leave the apartment around anywhere from eleven to twelve at night and go have a late dinner at Denny's. Late September my mom and I returned to California with dad. It was hard to leave. Upon my return, my best friend had flown from Indiana to California in November and stayed with us for the week. It was so great to get to be with a familiar face. I didn't want her to leave after the week was up. Two or three weeks after my friend left, my grandmother had passed. I had fallen ill the week before she passed. We packed up and went to Maddock to celebrate my grandmother's life and be with family. We had arrived in North Dakota so see there was snow. Coming from California back to North Dakota in the winter was a huge shock. We celebrated Thanksgiving at the diner and bowling alley. It was a bittersweet celebration. The wake and the funeral were both beautiful services. But it didn't change the sadness and loss I felt. I returned home in February 2004 after a nine month hiatus in California. I had resumed classes in a normal school system and again found it both easy and difficult to get re-acclimated into being around students again. It was even more difficult because I had broken my thumb not even 24 hours after being back in Indiana. I was back with my friends finally. I missed them so much.
My eighth grade year was finally upon me and I was starting my final year as a middle schooler. I had started acting in a drama club and found that I really enjoyed it. I met my first boyfriend in drama and I enjoyed it quite a bit. October rolled around and my cousin's wedding was upon us. We had been told that it was going to be extremely warm in North Dakota so we packed for spring/summer weather. My uncle had later told us when we were in Wisconsin that it was in the 40's. We were freezing and it began to snow too. Nobody knew that that would be the last time that we would see one of our closest family members. But at the time, we were having fun celebrating a marriage and being with family. November rolled around and my uncle had just opened a winery and he was really excited about it. December came around and I had just gotten home from school when I heard the phone ring. Two minutes later I heard my mother scream and cry. I came into the living room to hear her cry out that my uncle Brian, my godfather, had died while working. A day later we were on the road to North Dakota once again for yet another funeral. This one was so tough for me. He was 45 years old. My cousin, currently serving in Guam in the military, was there to keep me somewhat sane. It was tough to get back into a smooth run of what was going on in my life. Two months after my uncle passed, I learned that my great aunt had passed away from an asthma attack. We remained home for this one. Two weeks later my great grandmother passed away at the age of 93. Again, we stayed home. I had to pull through and show that I was strong. But I felt so incredibly weak. I started dating my first boyfriend in May. I had gone off to high school and he was still in middle school.
Fall 2005 had come around and I had found out that we were going to California one last time. We left the day winter break had started in December, and I had broken off my relationship with my boyfriend because I didn't want a long distance relationship. I felt more alone than ever even though I had so many friends and kept up with people via myspace and xanga and AIM; but it didn't really change the fact that I was alone. I had gotten sick during that visit. I was hospitalized for five hours with suspected appendicitis. We later found out that I had an ovarian cyst. Most painful think I had ever experienced in my life. My grandparents had come out to visit us during this time, as did my aunts and cousins. My grandfather had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was receiving treatments at the time, but he was very weak. We had been planning an anniversary party for my grandparents for when me and my family returned from California in late July. The party was amazing, everyone was there. Many brilliant memories were made that night.
September came about and I was a sophomore in high school. My grandfather had been placed in hospice care. My family from Kentucky had come up for three weeks. We spent every day over at my grandparents' house. From the minute I got home from school, I'd be there. Spending time and making memories with my family. September 19th came and the full day he had been so incredibly weak and tired. That evening his breathing had grown heavier and more shallow. At 9 PM, my mom, an LPN, had pronounced him. At the age of 15, I had witnessed my grandfather take his last breath. I took his passing a lot harder because he lived next door to me and watched me grow up. I could only think of how much he would miss out from a physical aspect. After that, I just...........felt so numb. I began to think "what would my grandfather thing if he saw me moping like I was. I began to pick up the slack on what had happened and pushed forward. I had taken a lifeguarding class to take my mind off of things. I got my certification with full marks. I was pumped for my junior year because I knew after that I only had one more year to go before being completely done with high school and I knew that I could get a job as a lifeguard.
I started playing in jazz band that year. I loved every second of it. Our jazz team had gone to do quite a few shows on certain weekends and we knew we were on top. We had attended the Purdue festival in January. Our section (jazz three) had placed first overall. My section was pretty amazing. I enjoyed playing at shows. I had started working at the YMCA in January as well. I felt pretty good. March came around and we had a performance at Elmhurst High School. I had met my second boyfriend there. He was working the concessions. He sold me the last bottle of water, and it was frozen. I was rather taken by him for some odd reason. We made out in the room that my group was in and decided that night to date. I don't know what possessed me to do that, but I did. And I was okay with it at the time. A month later, I discovered he had been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. I was mad, like any person would be. I began to forget about him. Then May came. His birthday is four days before mine. I called him up and left him a civilized happy birthday. A few days later I received the same phone call. Two weeks later I held a small party at Ultra Zone and invited a guy that I used to know from middle school. I hooked up with him for the night and I felt so embarrassed after that. I felt nothing but total regret. I knew I never wanted to be like that again. But history has a funny and twisted way of repeating itself.
Summer of 2008 had hit and I was working as a lifeguard and swim instructor at the YMCA. I had met a guy there who was a lifeguard as well. We hit it off so amazingly well and I was beginning to like him quite a bit. I began spending a lot of time with him. A month later we began dating. Then I found out he was going to be going to Texas for school. A few days before he left, he proposed to me. So naturally I said yes. I was 17 and in love with the idea of being in love. I was proud of the fact that I was engaged to this guy. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. I wrote him constantly and always loved getting letters back from him. November came and I wanted him to come to Snider's semi-formal with me. He said he'd be home in time and that he would love to go. He never called to tell me he was home. I went alone. I wasn't happy about it. He called me up in December on Tuesday. I was getting ready to perform in a concert. I told him to come and watch the performance and said it would be around a ten minute ordeal. He said he didn't know how to get there and gave me a bunch of excuses. So I gave up. I went into work a few days later and there was an envelope with letters and pictures. Winter break came around and I was working an early morning to late morning shift. He showed up the last fifteen minutes of my shift and I only saw him for an hour. I didn't really think anything of it. I was finally able to call him on a near daily basis, which I did. We would fall asleep on the phone night after night and began talking about our wedding plans and where we wanted to live and how many kids we wanted to have. We started getting our life's plan set up and I was loving every second of it. There was a small problem that was brought up. He said that his parents didn't like me because I wasn't a Mennonite. It threw me for a loop. So a month before prom happened, my dad asked if Brandon would be able to come home for the weekend and attend it with me. My dad was willing to pay for a plane ticket and everything. So I asked Brandon if he'd be able to come home for the weekend and that dad was offering to buy the ticket and everything. He said he had a class to take that day which kind of threw me off. So I asked him if I could go with one of my friends and he said he didn't trust my friend. I was mad. So I went to prom alone. I told him in order for me to forgive him he should come to my commencement for graduation. He asked when it was and I responded with June sixth, exactly one month after my birthday. He said he marked it down. Every time after that when I was on the phone with him, I would always remind him. Three days before graduation I tried calling him and nothing. The day of graduation, he didn't show. He called me a week later and I said that he missed my graduation. He asked when it was and I said June sixth. He responded a few seconds later and said that he marked it for the thirteenth. I wasn't really amused with that response. We began spending a lot of time together. We would spend anywhere from three to five days a week together. July came around. His parents found out that he was spending time with me and essentially punished him from what he had said. Tuesday came and I got a call from him saying he got kicked out of the house. So I met up with him at a burger king and we went to my house where my parents talked to him. We went back to Grabill and his dad saw us driving. We pulled into a church parking lot and talked for a few minutes. His dad pulled into the parking lot and said "hello" very nicely to me, which I was baffled at. Then he turned to Brandon and asked "have you changed your mind?" Brandon's response? "Meh," I looked at him completely shocked. His dad drove back home. The minute his dad left, I slammed my fist onto the back of my car, fracturing my middle knuckle and said "This is never going to work, is it?" He never said anything. I nodded my head and got in my car and sped off. He was invited to come camping later on that weekend, but I figured that after that night's events, he'd stay away. The day before I was to leave for Bluffton, his parents called. His dad had talked to me. "I take it Brandon told you we don't like you because you aren't a Mennonite?" "Yes, sir he did." "How can we not like you if we haven't met you?" "I asked him the same thing." "And did he also say that we wanted him to marry only Mennonites?" "Yes he did, sir." "We told him that we wanted him to marry whomever he wanted as long as she is a believer in Christ." I was shaken by that. Camping came. He didn't show up that day, so I assumed he wouldn't show up period. Saturday came. I was reffing a volleyball match and one of my cousins saw him standing by the trees watching us. We walked back to the campsite and talked. I remember telling him that I didn't feel safe nor did I feel as if I could trust anyone anymore. It ended that minute. We met up with his parents two weeks later. At this little meeting, I found out that he was ADHD with bipolar tendencies. The school that he attended in Texas was an all boys' school and he had to have parental permission to have a girlfriend or else he'd get kicked out. They found out he was talking to a girl. Didn't know it was me, just a girl. They didn't want him to get kicked out so they told him to stop talking to this girl. He responded back a little while later saying "I broke it off because when I start having kids, I don't want her around my kids." His mother told me this. I just sad there. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. After that incident I lost sight of who I was. My friends tell me that I had changed a lot after that.
As much as I'd love to continue talking about me and what I've done since then, I'd much rather end this and start something new. Not a continuation of this. But now you know the basics of my life up to 2009.
2001 was an interesting year and also the beginning of the rest of what I view as a crazy and fun-filled and (in some ways) a saddening life. I had just begun my fifth grade year at Harris and I was having fun with my friends. My dad had told me and my mom that we were being transferred to California for dad's work. I was excited, but I never knew that it would mean that I would leave my friends. While it was fun getting to be at the beach every day and go to the pool, I still missed my friends. My mom had gotten a call from my grandmother, her mother, saying that she had ovarian cancer. So me being the naive ten year old, I figured she'd get better in a snap. Which wasn't true. She had surgery and had found that she was in a stage four. So then began chemotherapy. July rolled around and I was finally home. It was great to be back home. I began my middle school year in a school system. It was tough get acclimated back into a school system after being home-schooled for so long. But it was short lived.
I moved back to California in the summer of 2003. My grandma wasn't really improving and so my parents and I had made arrangements to go to North Dakota to help out with my family when she got placed on hospice. My dad couldn't stay for long because of work. He flew back out to California about two weeks after we got to Fargo. Mom and I lived in Fargo at Fairfield Inn for about two months. I was again being home-schooled so I would do homework while my grandma would take naps. One of my uncles brought his RV trailer along so that I could have a place to study. My other uncle brought his family along from Minnesota. At the time his daughter was seven months old. My uncle's trailer not only served as a private classroom for me, but also a nursery where I would babysit my baby cousin. While it was great getting to live in Fargo, it was tough to watch my grandma slowly lose her battle. But it wasn't all sad; we had a lot of fun times as well. There would be times where we would all gather in the tiny apartment's living room and watch "Finding Nemo" and have a laugh. Other times we would play card games. At the end of the day, my mom and I would leave the apartment around anywhere from eleven to twelve at night and go have a late dinner at Denny's. Late September my mom and I returned to California with dad. It was hard to leave. Upon my return, my best friend had flown from Indiana to California in November and stayed with us for the week. It was so great to get to be with a familiar face. I didn't want her to leave after the week was up. Two or three weeks after my friend left, my grandmother had passed. I had fallen ill the week before she passed. We packed up and went to Maddock to celebrate my grandmother's life and be with family. We had arrived in North Dakota so see there was snow. Coming from California back to North Dakota in the winter was a huge shock. We celebrated Thanksgiving at the diner and bowling alley. It was a bittersweet celebration. The wake and the funeral were both beautiful services. But it didn't change the sadness and loss I felt. I returned home in February 2004 after a nine month hiatus in California. I had resumed classes in a normal school system and again found it both easy and difficult to get re-acclimated into being around students again. It was even more difficult because I had broken my thumb not even 24 hours after being back in Indiana. I was back with my friends finally. I missed them so much.
My eighth grade year was finally upon me and I was starting my final year as a middle schooler. I had started acting in a drama club and found that I really enjoyed it. I met my first boyfriend in drama and I enjoyed it quite a bit. October rolled around and my cousin's wedding was upon us. We had been told that it was going to be extremely warm in North Dakota so we packed for spring/summer weather. My uncle had later told us when we were in Wisconsin that it was in the 40's. We were freezing and it began to snow too. Nobody knew that that would be the last time that we would see one of our closest family members. But at the time, we were having fun celebrating a marriage and being with family. November rolled around and my uncle had just opened a winery and he was really excited about it. December came around and I had just gotten home from school when I heard the phone ring. Two minutes later I heard my mother scream and cry. I came into the living room to hear her cry out that my uncle Brian, my godfather, had died while working. A day later we were on the road to North Dakota once again for yet another funeral. This one was so tough for me. He was 45 years old. My cousin, currently serving in Guam in the military, was there to keep me somewhat sane. It was tough to get back into a smooth run of what was going on in my life. Two months after my uncle passed, I learned that my great aunt had passed away from an asthma attack. We remained home for this one. Two weeks later my great grandmother passed away at the age of 93. Again, we stayed home. I had to pull through and show that I was strong. But I felt so incredibly weak. I started dating my first boyfriend in May. I had gone off to high school and he was still in middle school.
Fall 2005 had come around and I had found out that we were going to California one last time. We left the day winter break had started in December, and I had broken off my relationship with my boyfriend because I didn't want a long distance relationship. I felt more alone than ever even though I had so many friends and kept up with people via myspace and xanga and AIM; but it didn't really change the fact that I was alone. I had gotten sick during that visit. I was hospitalized for five hours with suspected appendicitis. We later found out that I had an ovarian cyst. Most painful think I had ever experienced in my life. My grandparents had come out to visit us during this time, as did my aunts and cousins. My grandfather had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was receiving treatments at the time, but he was very weak. We had been planning an anniversary party for my grandparents for when me and my family returned from California in late July. The party was amazing, everyone was there. Many brilliant memories were made that night.
September came about and I was a sophomore in high school. My grandfather had been placed in hospice care. My family from Kentucky had come up for three weeks. We spent every day over at my grandparents' house. From the minute I got home from school, I'd be there. Spending time and making memories with my family. September 19th came and the full day he had been so incredibly weak and tired. That evening his breathing had grown heavier and more shallow. At 9 PM, my mom, an LPN, had pronounced him. At the age of 15, I had witnessed my grandfather take his last breath. I took his passing a lot harder because he lived next door to me and watched me grow up. I could only think of how much he would miss out from a physical aspect. After that, I just...........felt so numb. I began to think "what would my grandfather thing if he saw me moping like I was. I began to pick up the slack on what had happened and pushed forward. I had taken a lifeguarding class to take my mind off of things. I got my certification with full marks. I was pumped for my junior year because I knew after that I only had one more year to go before being completely done with high school and I knew that I could get a job as a lifeguard.
I started playing in jazz band that year. I loved every second of it. Our jazz team had gone to do quite a few shows on certain weekends and we knew we were on top. We had attended the Purdue festival in January. Our section (jazz three) had placed first overall. My section was pretty amazing. I enjoyed playing at shows. I had started working at the YMCA in January as well. I felt pretty good. March came around and we had a performance at Elmhurst High School. I had met my second boyfriend there. He was working the concessions. He sold me the last bottle of water, and it was frozen. I was rather taken by him for some odd reason. We made out in the room that my group was in and decided that night to date. I don't know what possessed me to do that, but I did. And I was okay with it at the time. A month later, I discovered he had been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. I was mad, like any person would be. I began to forget about him. Then May came. His birthday is four days before mine. I called him up and left him a civilized happy birthday. A few days later I received the same phone call. Two weeks later I held a small party at Ultra Zone and invited a guy that I used to know from middle school. I hooked up with him for the night and I felt so embarrassed after that. I felt nothing but total regret. I knew I never wanted to be like that again. But history has a funny and twisted way of repeating itself.
Summer of 2008 had hit and I was working as a lifeguard and swim instructor at the YMCA. I had met a guy there who was a lifeguard as well. We hit it off so amazingly well and I was beginning to like him quite a bit. I began spending a lot of time with him. A month later we began dating. Then I found out he was going to be going to Texas for school. A few days before he left, he proposed to me. So naturally I said yes. I was 17 and in love with the idea of being in love. I was proud of the fact that I was engaged to this guy. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. I wrote him constantly and always loved getting letters back from him. November came and I wanted him to come to Snider's semi-formal with me. He said he'd be home in time and that he would love to go. He never called to tell me he was home. I went alone. I wasn't happy about it. He called me up in December on Tuesday. I was getting ready to perform in a concert. I told him to come and watch the performance and said it would be around a ten minute ordeal. He said he didn't know how to get there and gave me a bunch of excuses. So I gave up. I went into work a few days later and there was an envelope with letters and pictures. Winter break came around and I was working an early morning to late morning shift. He showed up the last fifteen minutes of my shift and I only saw him for an hour. I didn't really think anything of it. I was finally able to call him on a near daily basis, which I did. We would fall asleep on the phone night after night and began talking about our wedding plans and where we wanted to live and how many kids we wanted to have. We started getting our life's plan set up and I was loving every second of it. There was a small problem that was brought up. He said that his parents didn't like me because I wasn't a Mennonite. It threw me for a loop. So a month before prom happened, my dad asked if Brandon would be able to come home for the weekend and attend it with me. My dad was willing to pay for a plane ticket and everything. So I asked Brandon if he'd be able to come home for the weekend and that dad was offering to buy the ticket and everything. He said he had a class to take that day which kind of threw me off. So I asked him if I could go with one of my friends and he said he didn't trust my friend. I was mad. So I went to prom alone. I told him in order for me to forgive him he should come to my commencement for graduation. He asked when it was and I responded with June sixth, exactly one month after my birthday. He said he marked it down. Every time after that when I was on the phone with him, I would always remind him. Three days before graduation I tried calling him and nothing. The day of graduation, he didn't show. He called me a week later and I said that he missed my graduation. He asked when it was and I said June sixth. He responded a few seconds later and said that he marked it for the thirteenth. I wasn't really amused with that response. We began spending a lot of time together. We would spend anywhere from three to five days a week together. July came around. His parents found out that he was spending time with me and essentially punished him from what he had said. Tuesday came and I got a call from him saying he got kicked out of the house. So I met up with him at a burger king and we went to my house where my parents talked to him. We went back to Grabill and his dad saw us driving. We pulled into a church parking lot and talked for a few minutes. His dad pulled into the parking lot and said "hello" very nicely to me, which I was baffled at. Then he turned to Brandon and asked "have you changed your mind?" Brandon's response? "Meh," I looked at him completely shocked. His dad drove back home. The minute his dad left, I slammed my fist onto the back of my car, fracturing my middle knuckle and said "This is never going to work, is it?" He never said anything. I nodded my head and got in my car and sped off. He was invited to come camping later on that weekend, but I figured that after that night's events, he'd stay away. The day before I was to leave for Bluffton, his parents called. His dad had talked to me. "I take it Brandon told you we don't like you because you aren't a Mennonite?" "Yes, sir he did." "How can we not like you if we haven't met you?" "I asked him the same thing." "And did he also say that we wanted him to marry only Mennonites?" "Yes he did, sir." "We told him that we wanted him to marry whomever he wanted as long as she is a believer in Christ." I was shaken by that. Camping came. He didn't show up that day, so I assumed he wouldn't show up period. Saturday came. I was reffing a volleyball match and one of my cousins saw him standing by the trees watching us. We walked back to the campsite and talked. I remember telling him that I didn't feel safe nor did I feel as if I could trust anyone anymore. It ended that minute. We met up with his parents two weeks later. At this little meeting, I found out that he was ADHD with bipolar tendencies. The school that he attended in Texas was an all boys' school and he had to have parental permission to have a girlfriend or else he'd get kicked out. They found out he was talking to a girl. Didn't know it was me, just a girl. They didn't want him to get kicked out so they told him to stop talking to this girl. He responded back a little while later saying "I broke it off because when I start having kids, I don't want her around my kids." His mother told me this. I just sad there. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. After that incident I lost sight of who I was. My friends tell me that I had changed a lot after that.
As much as I'd love to continue talking about me and what I've done since then, I'd much rather end this and start something new. Not a continuation of this. But now you know the basics of my life up to 2009.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
A short explaination of me pt. 1
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about some of the choices I've made along the way. I've thought about how my actions have effected me through the years and also have factored in dynamic events that have also effected me. So where do I begin?
The beginning is usually the most effective, I guess. I was, in my opinion, torn away from my friends and family on more than one occasion thanks to the wonderful job that my dad has. Granted it pays wonderfully and has supported me and my mom on multiple occasions, but what the company didn't know is how damaging it was on my social life as a middle and high school student. I'm an only child, and being uprooted only to be moved to a place where I wouldn't have friends anywhere was tough to do. I was home-schooled. The only thing that kept me close to my friends was the internet. It's hard talking about this a lot because of the fact that there was so much that I feel was taken away from me whether it was me being moved to the west or losing my grandparents. Trying to get back into being a regular student in a regular school system was pretty tough, but I managed to fight through it. And I feel I made a pretty great comeback.
My dating life was horrible and novice at best. As would any high schooler's dating life be. I met a guy by the name of Dan when I was 16. That's when I discovered how badly being cheated on sucked. It sucked a lot. Which is when I decided that I didn't want a thing to do with guys after that. Again I had made the wrong decision. But it was fun ride trying a different style, I suppose. It had really opened my eyes on a lot of things.
Senior year was full of work and school for me. I met a guy that I thought I had fallen in love with and actually got engaged. At the time I thought it was the right idea, but then I began to see the true colors of him. I was in love with the idea of being in love. and I was also in love with the idea that someone could love me enough to want to marry me, age and educational background aside. When I graduated, I was let down in so many ways. I blamed myself, of course because I felt that I was conditioned to take the blame for everything that happened to me. I began to wonder after my engagement fell through if "love" was just a fable, a bullshit four lettered myth that people used to make you want this more and more.
A year had passed and I felt that I was wandering aimlessly through people; looking for love in all the wrong places, wasting my time and breaking myself down even more. I had also begun my first year of college. The year of experimentation began for me ranging from smoking (cigarettes of course) to drinking. I discovered my love for many to most hard liquors. I began drinking on a near weekend basis. Later on I discovered that I became an alcoholic. And for some odd reason, I really didn't mind that a bit. This thought scared me. I also began to notice that I was also becoming somewhat addicted to smoking as well. My spring semester of my freshman year had been riddled with depression, stress and quite a few illnesses. I was attending school full time and was working at three YMCA's. I was really beginning to wonder where my mind was. Was I completely insane? Did I want a death wish? But I unfortunately felt that I could do anything and drove myself to an imminent mental breakdown. And break down I did. In front of all my colleagues and friends when I was still at work. It was a combination of tiredness, stress, being overwhelmed and mildly malnourished. It was something that was unavoidable. I hardly ever ate, I barely slept; I was working on twenty hours of sleep a week if that.
I started looking back on some of these events and I still sit and think, "yeah, that really did hinder me a lot." A lot of this still hits me like it was yesterday in some ways. And that's not necessarily a good thing nor is a bad thing. Life as I know it is a constant learning tool. You never stop learning and you certainly never forget those memories that shaped who you are today............. but there's more to this story.
The beginning is usually the most effective, I guess. I was, in my opinion, torn away from my friends and family on more than one occasion thanks to the wonderful job that my dad has. Granted it pays wonderfully and has supported me and my mom on multiple occasions, but what the company didn't know is how damaging it was on my social life as a middle and high school student. I'm an only child, and being uprooted only to be moved to a place where I wouldn't have friends anywhere was tough to do. I was home-schooled. The only thing that kept me close to my friends was the internet. It's hard talking about this a lot because of the fact that there was so much that I feel was taken away from me whether it was me being moved to the west or losing my grandparents. Trying to get back into being a regular student in a regular school system was pretty tough, but I managed to fight through it. And I feel I made a pretty great comeback.
My dating life was horrible and novice at best. As would any high schooler's dating life be. I met a guy by the name of Dan when I was 16. That's when I discovered how badly being cheated on sucked. It sucked a lot. Which is when I decided that I didn't want a thing to do with guys after that. Again I had made the wrong decision. But it was fun ride trying a different style, I suppose. It had really opened my eyes on a lot of things.
Senior year was full of work and school for me. I met a guy that I thought I had fallen in love with and actually got engaged. At the time I thought it was the right idea, but then I began to see the true colors of him. I was in love with the idea of being in love. and I was also in love with the idea that someone could love me enough to want to marry me, age and educational background aside. When I graduated, I was let down in so many ways. I blamed myself, of course because I felt that I was conditioned to take the blame for everything that happened to me. I began to wonder after my engagement fell through if "love" was just a fable, a bullshit four lettered myth that people used to make you want this more and more.
A year had passed and I felt that I was wandering aimlessly through people; looking for love in all the wrong places, wasting my time and breaking myself down even more. I had also begun my first year of college. The year of experimentation began for me ranging from smoking (cigarettes of course) to drinking. I discovered my love for many to most hard liquors. I began drinking on a near weekend basis. Later on I discovered that I became an alcoholic. And for some odd reason, I really didn't mind that a bit. This thought scared me. I also began to notice that I was also becoming somewhat addicted to smoking as well. My spring semester of my freshman year had been riddled with depression, stress and quite a few illnesses. I was attending school full time and was working at three YMCA's. I was really beginning to wonder where my mind was. Was I completely insane? Did I want a death wish? But I unfortunately felt that I could do anything and drove myself to an imminent mental breakdown. And break down I did. In front of all my colleagues and friends when I was still at work. It was a combination of tiredness, stress, being overwhelmed and mildly malnourished. It was something that was unavoidable. I hardly ever ate, I barely slept; I was working on twenty hours of sleep a week if that.
I started looking back on some of these events and I still sit and think, "yeah, that really did hinder me a lot." A lot of this still hits me like it was yesterday in some ways. And that's not necessarily a good thing nor is a bad thing. Life as I know it is a constant learning tool. You never stop learning and you certainly never forget those memories that shaped who you are today............. but there's more to this story.
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