I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about some of the choices I've made along the way. I've thought about how my actions have effected me through the years and also have factored in dynamic events that have also effected me. So where do I begin?
The beginning is usually the most effective, I guess. I was, in my opinion, torn away from my friends and family on more than one occasion thanks to the wonderful job that my dad has. Granted it pays wonderfully and has supported me and my mom on multiple occasions, but what the company didn't know is how damaging it was on my social life as a middle and high school student. I'm an only child, and being uprooted only to be moved to a place where I wouldn't have friends anywhere was tough to do. I was home-schooled. The only thing that kept me close to my friends was the internet. It's hard talking about this a lot because of the fact that there was so much that I feel was taken away from me whether it was me being moved to the west or losing my grandparents. Trying to get back into being a regular student in a regular school system was pretty tough, but I managed to fight through it. And I feel I made a pretty great comeback.
My dating life was horrible and novice at best. As would any high schooler's dating life be. I met a guy by the name of Dan when I was 16. That's when I discovered how badly being cheated on sucked. It sucked a lot. Which is when I decided that I didn't want a thing to do with guys after that. Again I had made the wrong decision. But it was fun ride trying a different style, I suppose. It had really opened my eyes on a lot of things.
Senior year was full of work and school for me. I met a guy that I thought I had fallen in love with and actually got engaged. At the time I thought it was the right idea, but then I began to see the true colors of him. I was in love with the idea of being in love. and I was also in love with the idea that someone could love me enough to want to marry me, age and educational background aside. When I graduated, I was let down in so many ways. I blamed myself, of course because I felt that I was conditioned to take the blame for everything that happened to me. I began to wonder after my engagement fell through if "love" was just a fable, a bullshit four lettered myth that people used to make you want this more and more.
A year had passed and I felt that I was wandering aimlessly through people; looking for love in all the wrong places, wasting my time and breaking myself down even more. I had also begun my first year of college. The year of experimentation began for me ranging from smoking (cigarettes of course) to drinking. I discovered my love for many to most hard liquors. I began drinking on a near weekend basis. Later on I discovered that I became an alcoholic. And for some odd reason, I really didn't mind that a bit. This thought scared me. I also began to notice that I was also becoming somewhat addicted to smoking as well. My spring semester of my freshman year had been riddled with depression, stress and quite a few illnesses. I was attending school full time and was working at three YMCA's. I was really beginning to wonder where my mind was. Was I completely insane? Did I want a death wish? But I unfortunately felt that I could do anything and drove myself to an imminent mental breakdown. And break down I did. In front of all my colleagues and friends when I was still at work. It was a combination of tiredness, stress, being overwhelmed and mildly malnourished. It was something that was unavoidable. I hardly ever ate, I barely slept; I was working on twenty hours of sleep a week if that.
I started looking back on some of these events and I still sit and think, "yeah, that really did hinder me a lot." A lot of this still hits me like it was yesterday in some ways. And that's not necessarily a good thing nor is a bad thing. Life as I know it is a constant learning tool. You never stop learning and you certainly never forget those memories that shaped who you are today............. but there's more to this story.
No comments:
Post a Comment